Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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