I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
