Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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