When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
