i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
