Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
