Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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