We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
