remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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