I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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