I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
