TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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