I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
