If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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