I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize