I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
