Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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