Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
