Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
