The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
