Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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