Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
