I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
