That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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