I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
