girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
