Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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