Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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