i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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