well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize