the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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