We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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