No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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