nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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