I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
