Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
