i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
