i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
