I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
