She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
