Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
