Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
