this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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