My first STD was from a foam party
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
