Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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