Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize