I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
