It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
