Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
