The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
