You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
