Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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