im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
