Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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