theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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