This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
