Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You smell like stripper and shame
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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