I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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