I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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