my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
