Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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