I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
