the condom got lost in my hair
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can't put those talents on a resume
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
