you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
