my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
